havocandmayhem.com

This takes the cake. Or, actually, it eliminates the bread. We all know I am a lazy slacker when it come to cleaning out and/or rotating the food in my house Much to my mom’s intense embarrassment I have shared the results of this particular failing numerous times on this blog The freezer The fridge The pantry The surprise Milanos So no one will be  at all shocked to learn I have done it AGAIN! And I outdid myself rather spectacularly this time. You might recall the 3 year’s expired bag of tater tots in the freezer last year, or the 3 year’s expired bag of pasta from the pantry back in January. Pshaw! 3 years? A mere 3? Amateur effort. Ladies & Gentleman I present my greatest find to date 7 years expired yeast! Go me! I switched over to bulk bag yeast around the time this expired & I keep that in the fridge rather than the baking cupboard like the packaged stuff. This must have fallen behind the baking soda or the Karo syrup or something ...

Possibly the highlight of my weekend. I went from these bushy things: To these much more trimmed & shaped things: Please note the grey hairs remain unchanged despite getting a hair cut as well. Why is this such a big deal? I am 43 years old and this is the first time in my life I have had my eyebrows professionally done. Usually the same person does my eyebrows that does my nails. That’d be me. And not being a.. um… (sadist or masochist…I always get them confused initially as I do with anything that is a choice between two things. I’m so used to guessing wrong that I guess differently even though I’m fairly sure I do know the difference. I am wrong often enough to doubt myself constantly in this sort of situation. I’d be a lousy bomb diffuser because I’d be seconding guessing whether I remembered the wire to cut color right. red? blue? I think it’s blue but maybe it is red? Was it red?) ... anyway… not being into giving or receiving pain (so I suppose terminolog...

A list. I generally refer to them as the Voices in My Head. You probably have Voices too, you just may call them by different names, maybe you hear your mom’s voice in your head every time you look at new shoes. “And where will you be wearing THOSE?” or maybe you simply do not acknowledge them at all, but they are there. You may only notice them after the fact, like when you are cleaning your closet and find a pair of really cute but really impractical sandals with 3 inch heels and beading and you wonder “What was I thinking when I bought these? They go with nothing in my wardrobe or in my life actually?” In my case *I* was not thinking anything. Vanity was thinking how great I’d look in them & a sundress (that I don’t own) at a pool party (that never happened). Or maybe you come home from grocery shopping & as you put your purchases away you find a tube of Sun Dried Tomato Paste and you wonder “How the heck did that get in there?” with  sudden flash of  mem...

Twice. Power outages are no fun. Generally though, you can see them coming 24 hours in advance from the weather forecast. More than 6-8 inches of snow? Find the flashlights. 30mph winds? Break out the candles. A series of 100+ degree days? Go buy some hand fans. But if it is a nice 50 degree day? If there are cloudless blue skies? Power outages are not on your radar then. And so it was the other day. A lovely, warmish, no wind day. The sort of day that makes you think “I ought to do some yard work this morning. It is so nice out; not too hot for forsythia bush trimming & the weeds I am allergic to are in their infancy.” So that’s what I did. A couple hours later I was done & went inside to take a shower to wash all the potential allergens off of me. (my actual shower. There are more bottles & things on the shelf & the hanging basket behind that curtain) Like most bathrooms, mine has no window. The only light comes from bulbs. Also, we have a well, ...

Well, they did it. They defied all the omens & portents . All the clear, clear signs of Divine displeasure. They took my tower Thursday. (hangs head in grief) They came in a white van, early in the morning, before I’d had enough coffee to mount a coherent protest to their actions. The tower didn’t stand a chance Can I get a moment of silence? *silence* Ok, so, I deal with negative situations by finding the funny. Know what is funny about a tower being replaced by a pole? That’s right! Jokes & innuendos about poles and guys trying to erect their poles! Towers just don’t lend themselves to innuendo quite like poles do. I disparaged the pole the man was trying to get up, finding it inadequate to the task. I need a big long pole, not the piddly short little thing he was showing me. He extoled the benefits and perks of his shorter pole to distract me from the loss of my Big Man, but I wasn’t buying it. I need length to satisfy my needs! A...

I’m thinking Havoc is starting his teen-rebellion-goth-phase a little early. 8 being a little early in my mind. Havoc wants his ear pierced. Maybe both, maybe just one so he’ll have a non-sore ear to sleep on. I like that he is considering that his ear will be sore for awhile & ways he might cope with that. Obviously he has put some thought into this. He wants an axe or a sword or a ninja earring, though he understands he has to wear a basic stud for 6 weeks. “Boys can have earrings. They are not just for girls.” he tells me. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. One of his male classmates recently had an ear pierced when he went with his teen brother to get his ear done. Then I came home with grey nail polish and Havoc wanted his nails painted because “Grey is a boy color. Like black. Boys can paint their nails, not just girls.” And I can’t argue with that because that’s true too. Boys can also have long hair if they want and some boys even wear EYELIN...

Well Mister Scissors, we meet again! I decided, for reasons best known to the voices in my head, to sew an apron this past weekend. Why? I have no idea why. I saw a picture of one on the internet and then another (pinterest.com, it’s of the devil y’all) and that voice in my head that thinks I am Martha Stewart suddenly woke up. (you know, the one that convinced me to buy table clothes of actual cloth & matching napkins, the one that forgets just whose life I am actually living) The voice was fascinated by the aprons, especially the retro ones and had visions of me (taller, thinner) wearing an apron over my (adorable designer) clothing while cooking in my (much larger with nicer appliances) kitchen or standing out near the (in ground) pool serving drinks to friends on our (landscaped) lawn. Yeah. This voice has such a nice fantasy life going and I really hate having to bring it down to earth by pointing out the obvious flaws. Not the least of which is – I have...

Yesterday I was in the bedroom getting dressed after a shower. It was close on noon & I’d just come back from the gym & running errands. (paying the electric bill in person while reeking of Body Pump sweat is my passive aggressive way of protesting the high cost of electricity). The bedroom is right off the kitchen. The kitchen has slate tiles. I have 4 cats who have claws. They can make a racket on a slate floor when they get chasing each other. The bedroom door was shut. I get self conscious when the cats see me naked. They stare. Fascinated. Unblinking. It’s very disconcerting when you are naked. What ARE they thinking? Are they amused? Horrified? Worried I might be cold with so little fur? Anyway, while getting dressed I heard this rattling in the kitchen & because my mind was fully taken up with which one of the various shades of purple shirts I own I was going to wear, I vaguely though ‘oh cats’ and then went back to contemplating the purples. Eggplant? Li...

Stunning, descriptive, emotive post title isn’t it? Well, if you were here a year ago you know it actually is indicative of a thrilling post, chock full of suspense, mystery & really outdated food products. An example of bad housekeeping so shocking you can only shake your head in disbelief and revel in your own smug cleaning superiority. Plus you can use me as a comparison when your own cleaning shortcomings are revealed to neighbors or parents. You can thank me later. First, for my mom, a disclaimer: I *was* raised better than this. These sorts of goings on would never have been tolerated in my mother’s house, where food, lined up neatly by category, in rows, in cabinets in the basement, was rotated religiously with each & every trip to the grocery store. In the ‘nature vs nurture’ debate, I make the case for ‘nature’. This is the pantry is question: “pantry” sounds better than ‘glorified closet’. That broom handle is there because, while the door never st...

When last we left our heroine she was struggling with how to make this holiday card more festive. It needed something. There was a decided lack of…holiday spirit. I know! It needs bounty hunters Because nothing says ‘peace love & joy’ quite like bounty hunters. Except maybe… bounty hunters with candy canes! ' Ok, yeah. Candy canes. They are festive holiday things right? Let’s get everyone together for a group shot shall we? Enough with the sulking Rex, turn around & face the camera. You WILL play nicely with the bounty hunters for the next 5 minutes. That goes for you too Bane! And someone make sure Greenie doesn’t choke on that candy cane will you? I went to get a couple more candy canes & came back to this. Honestly you guys! Can’t leave you alone for a second. Fett is unarmed & not a threat to you. Put down the gun Cody & let go of the candy cane Rex. Everyone get back in position Oh my god Rex! That’s it! You are on ti...